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| | A Mother's Tragedy
Love is blind....a mom's story..
She was class president and a Girl Scout. She was our first born and
beautiful. Good things should happen to good people, right? Well, that is
what we thought and what we had hoped. But that is not what happened and
sometimes we don't know until it is too late.
"I met the neatest guy. You would really like him, mom". I still remember
her excitement when she spoke of this new boy she had met. We were happy for
her. In the beginning things seemed to be fine. Though they were cute together
the thing that didn't sit well with me was how they played with each other.
There seemed to be a lot of hitting (in a friendly way). Punching, slapping,
etc. I told him that "boys don't hit girls, so please stop." Was I the
old-fashioned mom? It seemed that everyone acts that way nowadays. This was
the first red flag that unfortunately I ignored. Why? Because he was
charming, humorous and very social, he seemed to have a deep faith and was a
Boy Scout... How could this go wrong? He seemed to "fit in" with our family
well and participated in many family functions. As time went on, we learned
more about his past and his issues. But we were blinded by his stories and
felt sorry for him. When he had trouble with his family, we took his side.
What else were we to do, why would he lie to us?
Sadly, our daughter was slowly becoming a stranger to us. Her life revolved
around him. Our once active and social daughter only wanted to do things with
him. She seemed almost brainwashed. She would become very agitated whenever we
would intervene and try to reduce the time spent with him. School and other
activities became almost non-existent. We were worried. One day they were to
attend a formal school dance. I had a bad feeling about this, but they assured
us that all was well. Trying to be a "good" mom I played the part by taking
pictures and being the optimist. Later that night, they returned home, looking
frazzled, but both admitting that they had a rough night, and he seemed very
apologetic to my daughter. But the windshield in my car was cracked and they
both had a logical explanation to this! I couldn't get much more information
from my daughter and I knew if I prodded her for more, it would turn into
another fight. So I let it be. Was I the coward?
Now, what was suppose to be a fun and loving relationship seemed to be painful
and heartbreaking. The little bits and pieces that she would share with us,
gave us a glimpse of something that was not right. He began to degrade her in
front of her peers and even her own family. Rumors of him seeing another girl
were running rampant. I tried to comfort my daughter and tell her that if he
really cared for her no other girl would matter. This advice sometimes
angered her. During the holidays, he called her and told her he wanted to
break up, my daughter, though expecting this, was extremely distraught. We
tried everything to comfort her. He came back saying that they were still a
couple. You could tell at this point, who was in control of this
relationship. He had new rules, but because of what my daughter felt, she was
willing to comply. The rumors about the younger girl turned out to be true.
He would hang out with her more than he would my daughter. When confronted by
my daughter, he told her she was paranoid. He would turn the blame on her,
that she was the one tearing them apart. Finally, I had enough, after seeing
him with the other girl, I confronted him. I asked him to let my daughter go.
It wasn't fair to my daughter nor to the other girl. He was adamant with his
reply: he wanted my daughter and no one else. He had a 101 reasons why he was
hanging out with this new girl. The most impressive one was that she was a
good friend and that if he didn't hang with her she would get into jail. Noble
isn't he? I wondered where were the parents of this so-called girl in
trouble? She went to our youth group, can't someone else help her? We now
realized we HAD to intervene, or we may lose our daughter.
Thankfully, our daughter soon sought the advice of her youth minister. Our
objective now was to get our daughter out of this relationship. His cruel
embarrassing acts to my daughter amongst her peers and his blatant acts of
infidelity were more than we, her family, could handle. The most sad thing
about this is the ignorance of others when they witnessed his actions. It
seemed that more people than not would turn their heads the other way, whenever
he was with the other girl or laugh whenever he embarrassed my daughter. For
example, her peers laughed when on a school field trip, he spit food on her
face, she could just die, but what else was a girl "in love" to do? Leave him,
yes, but this wasn't a "normal" relationship. It's true what they say...Love is
blind. We tried very hard to make her see that he wasn't the "prince charming"
she thought he once was. But it was only through our daughter's willingness to
see that this was not a healthy relationship, was when things began to
change.
My daughter though limiting time with him, still had some contact. You could
see that she still felt something for him. I truly believe at this time, he
was getting out of control. When the assault occurred we were so angered,
distraught and in shock. In a way, we couldn't believe it happened, but
guiltily, we thought something like this would happen. We let our daughter
down, we couldn't protect her as
any parent would want to. After the assault in March of 2003 and the sheriff
was notified. I called his mother, we found out that earlier
she called the police on him due to his angry behavior toward her. What had we
let my daughter get into? We had failed her again. We soon got her into
counseling because she needed someone other than us to talk to. She needed to
understand that she didn't deserve this and that he wasn't the person she
thought he was. We were worried that she would want to go back to him, because
he was still "interested" in her. Eventually the cuts healed and the bruises
went away. But they still attended the same school and there wasn't much they
could do to keep him from approaching her. Prom was coming up soon, my
daughter had a new date, but he was somehow still in her life. He was once
again trying to manipulate her with his charisma and lies. Once again, we felt
helpless, how could we put a stop to something you can't see?
Fortunately, with our help and the help of a few good friends, but mainly due
to our daughter determination to end to this miserable "love affair", she
began to see his true colors and the truth behind all his lies....since the
beginning. A good part of the healing process was for her to admit the many
acts of physical, emotional and verbal abuse he had subjected her to. She
began talking to people about what had happened. Not for sympathy, but for
healing. She didn't want anyone else to go through what she did.
She was the one now in control of her life.
It has been a difficult journey that has not yet ended. As my daughter
continues to heal, she is determined not to tell her story, but tell the story
of abuse. Sadly though, she still encounters those who think that what happened
is no big deal, "get over it", or worse yet, "you were stupid to stay in that
relationship". No wonder, people stay in abusive relationships...people can be
blind.
But I often ask myself what could we have done different?
As a
parent, the things I know now:
 | I must
respect what my children are feeling about their
relationships, not to be too judgmental.
|
| I
will not be a coward. I will be
persistent.
|
| I will
follow my gut instincts and ask a lot
of questions.
|
| I will
remember I am a parent not a friend. I
need to act like a parent.
|
| I must
educate myself in teen relationships because things are different now then
when I was young.
|
| I have to
be a good listener. Believe that some people are not really what they
seem.
|
| I will
not be afraid of what people think,
remember only the ignorant choose NOT to
see abusive behavior...
|
| I will not
be afraid to be intolerant of ANY abusive behavior.
|
| I will
look for the warning signs and the red
flags and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
|
|
Most importantly,
be proud of your children who want to survive and live to tell the story.
|
Some common questions
| Why would your loved one stay with someone who hurts him/her? |
--Religious
Beliefs
Many religions believe that marriage is holy and
"'til death do us part" means exactly that. Dating relationships
in some denominations are believed to be a precursor to marriage and have the
same confines as matrimony. --Economic Dependence
Financial reasons are often a reason for an abused
person to stay with his/her abuser. --No Resources or Support
Often this person feels as if he/she have no where to
go. There may not be anyway for him/her to leave (no money etc.) and
he/she may feel that everyone has turned their back on him/her. --Desperation
These people feel that if this person doesn't love them
they must have done something wrong. They keep hope that their abuser will
change and continue the hurtful relationship. --Psychological Dependence
This person may feel insecure or unable to care for
him/herself.
| What can you do? |
--Never turn your back
Never become frustrated or say you don't want to hear
about their problems. Often people in an abusive relationship feel they
have no one to talk to. If you want to help make sure you are always there
to support and encourage this person to leave the relationship. --Don't make derogatory
remarks
Although to many people staying in an abusive
relationship seems irrational, people in such a relationship see something wrong
with themselves and not the abuser. Never say that this person is
"stupid" or hint that maybe something is wrong with them. Such
remarks will only force the victim to cling to the abuser more. --Don't
Ignore!
All too often people witness abusive behavior and don't
report it. If you are a witness to someone being beaten or abused call the
police. The victim won't report it him/herself so you must be
responsible. Often a victim won't see anything wrong with the abuser until
he/she is behind bars. --Always be supportive
Perhaps the best medicine is a shoulder to cry
on. You must always give a victim an outlet for expression of his/her
feelings. Often a victim will feel imprisoned in an abusive relationship
and if you are there to support you may be the help that person needs to leave
his/her
abuser. |
