If
Love Is Kind...
...Then
Love Shouldn't Hurt
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If
Love Is Kind...
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Verbal Abuse"Any means of speaking to another in which the other's spirit is destroyed: Breaching the Golden Rule. Degradation. Humiliation. Demonization. Dehumanization. Racism. Sexism. Bigotry. Put downs. Insults. Ignoring valid requests to stop a verbal behavior. Conversational monopolization. Denial of emotion."7 Remember "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"? What a load of you-know-what. Words do hurt. And from the time we're first made fun of, we become aware of how much it really hurts when people say mean things to us. Words aren't tangible- you can't feel them, throw them at your dog, or make them taste good with sugar on top. Words are metaphysical- we know they exist, but there's no physical proof that they do. Communication can be a really deep subject when you think about it. Seriously, what constitutes "emotional" or "verbal" abuse? Keep reading- you'll find your answers.
Story Time!Ben and Marsha love being together. For the past year, they have gone out and everyone believes that they are going to get married after high school. They are the "it" couple. Behind closed doors, however, Ben is a different person. When Marsha meets him at the mall, his first remark that comes out is "You look like a whore- you know that, right?" He proceeds to make more comments about how Marsha dresses. The next week at school, Marsha wears her new cute (knee-length) skirt. When she goes up to meet Ben at his locker, he looks at her and quietly remarks "I can't believe I'm dating a girl who has no respect for herself, dressing like that!" Marsha isn't sure what's wrong with Ben. Everything she wears, if it doesn't have his approval, it's slutty or ugly. He also says other things too. When he has dinner with her family, he makes fun of her dad for being an engineer and pushes around her younger brother, telling him he's full of crap and that no girl would ever date him. When they're alone, Ben constantly tells Marsha how crappy her life is, how bad her friends are, and how the only thing worth living for in her life should be him. Sometimes she wonders if she should break up with it. But, when she brings up the littlest hint of a "break," Ben immediately reminds her that he could "ruin her reputation" and that she wouldn't be worth anything to anyone else. What is wrong with that relationship? Did you see any abuse going on? Ben never slaps her, punches her, or slams her into a door. But he was abusing her verbally. Ben and Marsha love being together. For the past year, they have gone out and everyone believes that they are going to get married after high school. They are the "it" couple. Behind closed doors, however, Ben is a different person. When Marsha meets him at the mall, his first remark that comes out is "You look like a whore- you know that, right?" He proceeds to make more comments about how Marsha dresses. The next week at school, Marsha wears her new cute (knee-length) skirt. When she goes up to meet Ben at his locker, he looks at her and quietly remarks "I can't believe I'm dating a girl who has no respect for herself, dressing like that!" Marsha isn't sure what's wrong with Ben. Everything she wears, if it doesn't have his approval, it's slutty or ugly. He also says other things too. When he has dinner with her family, he makes fun of her dad for being an engineer and pushes around her younger brother, telling him he's full of crap and that no girl would ever date him. When they're alone, Ben constantly tells Marsha how crappy her life is, how bad her friends are, and how the only thing worth living for in her life should be him. Sometimes she wonders if she should break up with it, but, when she brings up the littlest hint of a "break," Ben immediately reminds her that he could "ruin her reputation" and that she wouldn't be worth anything to anyone else. The highlights are the abuse. What Ben does to Marsha is verbal abuse. Why? Because Ben is putting Marsha down, he is insulting her, humiliating her, degrading her, and not following the Golden Rule. Marsha has not done anything to provoke these actions, yet she is being punished for doing nothing. Does that story sound all-too familiar? If he's telling you that you dress badly, that something is wrong with you, when he's hurting your feelings, then you have the RIGHT to tell him to STOP. No one has the right to insult you or say things that bother you. If you feel like you can't talk to him, get help immediately! A verbally abusive person is just as dangerous as a physical abuser!
Emotional AbuseEmotions. In psychology, emotions are "affects" or a response to a stimuli. In the real world, emotions are what you feel, such as happy, sad, angry, or indifferent. Emotions, just like words and actions, are very powerful. How we respond to things makes us who we are. Our emotions dictate how we react to people and things and often, emotions are what make us vulnerable. When someone makes us cry, we are vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a bad thing, no, not at all. But people taking advantage of that, now that is a bad thing. That is emotional abuse. Story Time!Victoria loves David. He is her everything. She wakes up in a great mood just because she's dating David. Cute, smart, funny, great eyes- what more could a girl want? She wants to marry him someday and live happily ever after. She tells everyone that he is perfect, doesn't beat her up or make her feel bad. However, sometimes he makes her feel bad, like indirectly. When she cries, he gets angry that she cries. He yells at her to stop crying, sometimes he shakes her. One night, they were at a dance and he was frustrated that they were late. He started yelling and cursing everything out and she started crying- she was a little sad and scared. Seeing her cry, he got in front of her, a few inches from her face, and started screaming for her to shut up. When he wouldn't let go, she slapped him. After that, he acted very hurt, crying, telling her that he wouldn't let her abuse him like that. A few months later, Victoria was ready to break up with him- they were going to different colleges. Upon hearing this, David immediately threatened that if she were serious, he would kill himself by morning and that she would be held responsible. When she didn't respond, he got on his hands and knees and began to vomit, crying uncontrollably, saying he had just lost everything in his life. Disoriented and scared, Victoria promised to never leave him again. Wow, that's a pretty weird story, don't you think? Unfortunately, it's a weird true story about. Stuff like that happens all the times in relationships, you know that. You always hear about the guy who will just "lose it" if he gets dumped, or how this girl can't break up with her boyfriend because he'll kill himself. No foul words or foul play, but abuse is going on here: emotional abuse. David takes advantage of Victoria's emotions, her crying (he gets in her face), her love for him (threatening to kill himself), and her compassion (staying with him after he vomits). It's actions like these that make emotional abuse just as damaging as verbal or physical abuse.
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Love Is Kind is the Gold Award Project of M.P.
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