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| | A Friend's Story
"During my junior year in high school I
shared two classes, English and Pre-calculus, with one of my female friends.
She was dating one of my male friends who I had known since freshman year, and I
thought they had a good relationship: they had been going out for about a year
and a half and he used to talk about her before I met her and he never said
anything mean. They were both happy people enjoying their last years of high
school together.
Beginning in January she started getting
agitated more easily in school and sometimes got overly frustrated in math
class, which usually gave her a hard time anyway. She still got awesome grades,
though. Only when a downward trend formed did I wonder why she was feeling so
bad: every day, it seemed, she would come into our first period English class
walking quickly and fixing her makeup. She sat across from me, so I could tell
when she had been crying. She looked like she was hiding something she didn’t
want the rest of the class to see.
At this point I still didn’t know her very
well, and the extent of our friendship was when I went to her seventeenth
birthday party early in the year, as well as some casual joking around and
talking in school. I didn’t want to seem rude or butt into other people’s
business, so I didn’t ask her what was wrong: I assumed maybe she was just
having a rough time at home or with her boyfriend. Everyone has bad days, even
bad months. All you have to do is just keep going and you’ll eventually feel
better, right? This was my opinion of my friend’s troubles from January to late
February of last year.
Now that I look back on it, I realize that
everything I know now was in front of me the whole time. Everything I saw then
was colored by my thought that everything was fine: everything in this world is
perspective. Happy people may just be happy on the outside. Troubled people,
even abusive people may look normal on the outside. How you interpret something
makes all the difference.
In late February or early March her
boyfriend, my old friend, broke up with her. She asked if I would go to Prom
with her, just as friends, since she wouldn’t have a date anyway. Everything
sounded okay to me, so I accepted and we both began planning for the big day.
About a week later she and I went to the
beach with some friends, and later to her friend’s birthday party. We both knew
her old boyfriend would be there, but didn’t worry about anything happening. I
did notice some hostility when I was playing soccer with my old friend, and his
facial expressions seemed a bit weird, but luckily the night passed without
incident and I ended up going to her house to play X-Box after the party ended.
That Saturday night ended innocently, just as it had begun.
I called her the next morning as I had
promised, and afterwards I slowly uncovered the answer to the trail of questions
and clues I had ignored the entire year:
He had been cheating on her with one of her
close friends since January, yet he accused her falsely of cheating on him. He
had openly lied to her about the whole affair for months while it was going on.
He had broken up with her in January only to insist that they were still going
out the next day, and that he had never ended it. He had ignored her when she
tried to break up with him, and again pretended it never happened. He had
screamed at her when he didn’t get his way, and once shoved her into her car
door: he did not pity her tears after she hit the car door, but cursed and
yelled at her until she forced herself to stop crying. The affection I had seen
in school was shallow and meant to use her as a trophy: in private he was rude,
conceited, and abusive on all levels – verbally, emotionally, and physically.
The mornings she had come in feeling bad, face smeared slightly by makeup and
tears, were because of his relentless cycles of affection, which went from
kindness to cruel indifference to accusation to abuse and then back.
That Sunday in March she told me that after
a loud, one-sided argument, the guy who said he loved her had slammed her into a
door in the rec. room of their church, leaving streaks of blood on the white
paint where she hit and knocking her unconscious.
She still has scars where she hit the door.
By far the worst pain she will endure will be learning to distinguish between
his abusive ‘love’ and another person’s real love. She will never fully trust
another man in an intimate relationship without questioning when he will cheat
on her or hit her or call her a slut. Besides an inability to trust her male
peers, the emotional abuse in her old relationship causes her to distrust
herself and believe she is worthless (he used to tell her that she looked good
in a certain shirt or pair of pants, then the next day when she wore the outfit
for him at school he would tell her she looked like a whore). Nothing can
repair the damage he did in secret over the course of those few months.
This is dating abuse from the eyes of a
friend."
People seem to think that abuse only hurts the
"abusee", however the feelings of helplessness and worry also affect
the people around this person. Friends can just as easily feel hurt, lied
to, and fear when a close friend becomes the victim of abuse. This page is
a resource for friends who are recovering from, know, or suspect a friend's
abuse.
YOU CAN HELP!!
All too often friends allow abuse to continue because they don't think it's
their place to step in an confront it. By being silent you are accepting
the abuse instead of fighting it! If you suspect a friend is being abused
don't turn your back!
Please know that you can save the life of your friend, however if at ANY time
you feel overwhelmed or unsure of what to do, contact your local abuse
organization or trusted adult/mentor for more information.
Be INTOLERANT of abuse
Look for:
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“Nice Guy” Appearance: Being a nice guy is not a crime, but
abusers often make themselves appear friendly, sociable, and charismatic to
strangers and acquaintances. He did this very well, which made it hard to
suspect abuse.
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Lies: If I talked to him a couple times about something I
could catch little changes in his story that didn’t add up. He used a web of
lies to conceal his abusive habits from even his closest friends, and he
avoided people who might be able to notice his lies. She also lied about
certain events to give the impression that her relationship was normal, and to
keep people from asking tough questions that might be painful to answer.
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Jealous behavior: he always kept his eye on her, made sure
he was around when she talked with her male friends, and told her who she
could hang out with and who to stay away from (she was told to stay away from
me). Proprietary feelings are normal, but this is going a little too far.
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Trophy-hanger: when she was going to a different school
during my sophomore year, he would show me her picture and ask “isn’t she
beautiful”. Nothing is wrong with this by itself, but during my junior year
every time she and I were talking in the halls he would come up and give her a
giant, disgusting kiss until I left to give them privacy.
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Flirting en masse: he flirted with many other girls. This
was mostly when she wasn’t around, but he would also check girls out at the
beach when she was with him.
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Cheater: yes, while he was jealous towards her male friends
he also cheated on her without any thought of the morality or hypocrisy of his
actions. After they started formally going out, he also cheated on the girl
that he cheated on She with. (Relationship with Her.
à cheating on Her. with ‘Girl A’
à relationship with ‘Girl A’
à cheating on ‘Girl A’ with ‘Girl
B’.)
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Bad-mouth: during their last few months as a couple he
often told his other friends how she was breaking his heart, and how their
failing relationship was all her fault.
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The “Perfect Couple”: during the first few months
everything was perfect, but things gradually got worse after about 8 months.
Still, it was hard for friends to tell something was wrong because he lied
about his actions and tried to appear normal in public places.
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HOW DO YOU TALK TO SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT IS BEING ABUSED?
This question constantly assaults friends of victims when they finally decide to
confront victims of teen dating violence. When you do decide it's the
right time to come forward, be sure you don't accuse or start off the
conversation in an agitated manner. The last thing an a victim needs
to hear is an accusatory voice in this time of uncertainty. Remain calm
and plainly state your fears or concerns. Don't place blame on the victim
and offer to get help in any way. They may seem distant and tell you that
nothing is wrong with the relationship or that you're being over reactive.
This denial is common in violence situations, ESPECIALLY when a girl is being
abuse by someone. However, you should not give up! Your help may
be exactly what that person needs to finally end the abuse and leave the
relationship. WHERE CAN YOU
GET HELP? This website
lists many resources for someone in your situation! You can use the links
page (under the "More Info" heading on the home page) to find
bigger websites and/or areas to help you in your community. There is also
a testimonial page that offers advise from abusees and their friends. You
can also find information at a local battered and abused women's clinic, and
often a high school guidance office will have information readily
available. HELP IS OUT THERE! THINGS
TO REMEMBER:
| Never neglect a friend in need--turning
your back will only make it worse |
| Be a pillar of support for any victim of
violence--they need you to help make it through |
| Help is out there--NEVER GIVE UP! |
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